bull-emia

life in digital age. i feel like a creep, i understand radio. saw my first Asian crush, he was "totes hot". i hate snow when it has frozen over and you have to step like a penguin to make sure you do not fall. being out of school has made my spelling horrendous and my verbose nature, crude. i do not even know how i feel, anymore- my palm reads: broken. am i that easy to read, anyhow? I spent all of my cash for this short film. all of it! and i ditched my high paying job, for this lowly position of being an Artist. not everyone has the vision, the mind, it is a terrible thing to waste. i have eaten mcdonalds today which i never do, how will I eat tomorrow? I told my ex-boyfriend's best friend (are they really, even? i guess so.) I thought he was hot, my mistake, perhaps i am a flooze. i just can't help the way i feel, and i don't feel like manipulating, i just want to talk to someone, be real, maybe if i could not have butterflies, or giddiness, maybe i would be a regular person who got what they wanted everytime, but i do not know what i want, if anything, from him, I don't know. but apparently you cannot start a setence with But and "I don't know" is not a response, so where do you go with that? i wrote to him, hey how are you? a simple enough text, i didn't call, seemed wierd if i called. he rarely answers my texts. so i dont text him, then he writes back: Brilliant I am so thankful and feeling so much respectful, unconditional love. better than ever, you? now, what the freak does that even mean, i mean i know what it means, but what purpose did that have? why did he choose those words, precisely? there was a purpose. was i not giving of respect to him or respectable love? but there i go again, on my self rant making things seem worse than they are. and why should i even care? when Liza is in the hospital? I like her, but our relationship was growing slow anyway, i feel like i should be at the hospital all the time, but i can't and there are too many people anyway. what happens to all the texts that were never sent or received? i really do not believe in love anymore. i feel like a love tornado. maybe i am a bad person. i feel like my love and my life are a thousand things spinning in the wind. only this week and next. if you were to ask me if i still loved Daven, i would say I love him, enough that if anything happened to or for him i would be inclined to know, but do i mind if he sleeps with another girl? i wouldn't like to see it, but hearing about it isn't so bad. maybe i do not find love with others, or my thoughts have changed because I have truly loved and know what love is and what it isn't and now i am tired of love and what it is and isn't and i much rather be preoccupied with things that come from me and never doubt their creation or importance. this is the incubation period. perhaps i am too dark to be loved. my own self afflicted pain.