suicide

sat on porcelain
i cry and tell myself it will all be alright
it dawns on me that 27
is going to be a dangerous age
If I don't control it

Closer to 30 with father
giving speeches on biological age for children
boyfriend is anxious all the time
no sex drive

being a parent? but I still feel like a child
Haven't gotten over my trauma
When did everything become
so serious?
when did my father begin to encourage sex
and babies
aren't I young, still?

is my life behind me,
already?
Is it bad that if suicide wasn't prone to error
and drowning wasn't painful
I would have ended it a long time ago?

exercise won't work
eating better hasn't worked
sex is hormonal changes rather than desire, now.
I dress in black, mourning all the time.

God don't forget me.
Come back and bless my heart.
I wanna be who I used to be
but I don't know if that's a good thing
or if it could even happen

Is it too late now?